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My mom has been gone for almost a year. She missed Easter, she missed Thanksgiving, she missed Christmas, she missed New Year's, she missed Karleigh's 4th birthday party and her very first sleep over. Now she is about to miss my little boy's very first birthday. I never knew how hard losing her would be. When she had her accident in November of 2008, the doctor told my aunt and I that she wasn't going to make it. He said that she had a 1% chance of surviving and even then she would be a vegetable. I thought that was the hardest thing I would ever go through. But God is more powerful than any doctor and He pulled my mom through that hard time. In time she learned who I was again and she learned how to eat again. She learned how to talk and to stand and to walk (with a walker) all over again, which was all a wonderful miracle of God. My Mom and I had our problems of course. Anyone that knew us was well aware of that. God healed my mom and made her stronger. Each day she made the doctors marvel at her recovery. Then on March 15th 2009 He took her from me. I still have a hard time not questioning Him. I know that everything has to be in his timing, but it is hard for me to understand. Why make her better just to take her away? Why pull me out of the valley of despair onto the mountain of hope if He was just going to drop me back in the ocean of pain? When the doctor told us her fate, I had time to prepare myself for losing her. Then each day I spent at the hospital I saw her strength grow. The day that she realized I was her daughter and not her sister was the day I realized that she might really have a chance. I painted her nails and kept her chin shaved. I brushed her knotted hair on her tender head. When she was finally moved to CCU I brought her mashed potatos from KFC. They were her favorite and she was so excited to not be force fed through a tube. I visited her in rehab and took her home with me. I regulated her meds, made her do her physical therapy everyday. I helped her bathe, helped her use the restroom. I changed her clothes and her sheets daily. I changed her diapers and got up all through the night with her. I reminded her who she was and where she was each time she got confused. I thought she was better. When she got her apartment, I thought she was better. I took her healing for granted. I only visited her apartment twice after Kamdon was born. Between Feb. 11th and the day she died, I had only seen her twice. I talked to her on the phone regularly, but I can't even remember our last conversation. The last time I saw her alive, I was so angry with her. I was angry with her for giving up. She had quit doing her physical therapy. She refused to get out of bed. I was so mad at her. Her bedside table had crusted plates and old food because she didn't want to get up anymore. I was angry because she had stopped having the will to get stronger. I was hurt. And now she is gone and I can't even remember our last conversation. I can't remember what the last thing I said to her was. I hope it was "I love you", but I can't be sure. I try to tell myself it was, but the uncertainty won't leave. If I had known that her time was coming, I would have done things differently. I never knew I could miss someone so much. I never knew that mourning could cause physical pain. I never knew that I could hurt this bad. I never knew that I would have moments when I would need her so bad that it hurt. Sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe. Sometimes I feel like my chest has a gaping hole in it and my entire body and soul is crashing into the dark abyss that eats at my heart. I am happy that God granted us that extra time with her from November until March. I am so very thankful that I was able to be there for her in the way that I was. I just wish she was here for me now. I wish she was here to tell me how to heal. To tell me how to let go. To help me move on. I have felt grief before. I felt it when my grandfather died, and even more so when my maw-maw died. But this is different. This is physical pain. How do people ever get over something like this? How do you move on and act like your whole life hasn't been turned upside down? You never know it is going to be like this. You know it will hurt and that you will miss her, but until you actually have your mom ripped away from you, you can't possibly understand. She was forty-three. She was supposed to live longer than that. I appreciate the kindness and compassion that everyone has shown me. It means more to me than any of you will every know. But in the end, I just want her back. I just want my Momma. No one will ever take her place and this huge hole in my heart will never be fixed. I just want my Mom.
This is the poem that I read at her memorial service:
If Tomorrow Starts Without Me
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If tomorrow starts without me,
and I'm not there to see.
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
the way you did today.
While thinking of the many things
we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you.
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand.
An angel came and called my name,
and took me by the hand.
And said my place was ready,
in heaven far above.
And that I'd have to leave behind
all those I dearly love.
As I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye.
For all my life I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do.
it seemed almost impossible,
that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
the good ones and the bad.
I thought of all that we had shared,
and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
just even for a while.
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
that this could never be.
For emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow.
I thought of you, and when I did,
my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity,
and all I've promised you.
Today your life on earth is past,
but here life starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
but today will always last.
and since each day is the same,
there's no longing for the past.
You have been so faithful,
so trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things,
you knew you shouldn't do.
You have been forgiven,
and now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand,
and share this life with me?"
So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart.
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.
In Memory of my precious Momma.
Paula Denise Grizzard
06/22/65-03/15/09