By lunchtime I've reached my breaking point. I've become desperate for encouragement. Yet I still don't open His word. I still don't seek His strength. I just keep trucking along in my foul mood, clinging tightly to the chip that's lodged on my shoulder. And I begin berating myself. I begin feeling guilty. Feeling like a complete and total failure! All because I'm running from what God is calling me to do. I'm holding tightly to my insecurities and my excuses of why I can't do it. I'm simultaneously being lead to do this thing I'm totally and completely scared of while at the same time I'm being convicted of something God is calling me to fast from.
I know God is greater than my insecurities. I know that He'll equip me to do what He's calling me to do. I know that He'll reward my faithfulness. And in my heart, in the depths of my soul, I want to run after Him and follow where He's leading me. I want to be free from the anxiety and the doubt and the guilt. I want to live with abandon. I want to throw down this sinful flesh and simply be His vessel. The desire of my heart is to follow my Savior completely, without hesitation... without fear... without regret.
But that doesn't mean it's easy! Although my heart has all of these assurances, and my mind knows them too, somehow I'm still wrapped in these chains that I placed on myself. If I could just get out of my own way, throw aside these weights I insist on bearing, I know that God is ready to use me!
TWO DAYS LATER...
In the middle of writing this post I got some really bothersome news... then my cat that we adopted last week got outside and ran away... and that little ray of hope I had begun to feel was quickly snuffed out as anxiety and fear and frustration once again took its place. I got very little sleep that night. Yesterday was a very busy day... K-man had his first OT appointment... two of my girls needed to go to the pediatrician because they've been sick... and it was bring a friend night at church so I had lots of extra kiddos to pick up. (Insert HUGE smiley face!) So as you have probably already guessed, I struggled with choosing my attitude yesterday too.
But today I'm choosing to admit my defeat. I've been trying to apply all of the things God is showing me on my own, using only those parts I wanted to use. I've been sharing this wisdom He's been placing on my heart without fully applying it to my own life. And that's why I'm failing. But today I'm choosing to change that! I'm praying for strength and courage to let it all go and cling to Him. I have to stop living in fear. I have to choose everyday to rely on God and rest in Him. I have to stop making excuses for not doing the scary thing God is calling me to do. People will say and do things in this life that I can't control, but my faith is in my Savior! That is where I have to find my peace. I hope you'll join me in this prayer, and that you'll find the courage to let go of whatever you've been holding on to. Let's release the loads we so desperately fasten our lives to and allow God to finally have control and move through us! Choose the joy that can only come from our Heavenly Father. Put your Jesus glasses on so the things of this world are filtered through Him. They won't seem so big and scary, and it will make choosing your attitude so much easier! Be intentional in every situation and allow God to work in us through our circumstances. The last few days I've failed tragically at choosing my attitude, but thankfully I serve a God that time and again shows me mercy! He bestows grace on us each and every day!
Remember that Christ has already overcome this world. Let that thought resonate inside your heart today. I know I'm going to.
Encourage someone today!